December 8 – Beautifully Different. Think about what makes you different and what you do that lights people up. Reflect on all the things that make you different – you’ll find they’re what make you beautiful. (Author: Karen Walrond)
Normally i believe I am a unique and different individual yet now that I am trying to think up specifics I feel challenged.
I think one of my best qualities is that I can easily see situations or arguments, feelings or notions from other perspectives. Often times though other people think it's crazy or that I am making excuses for a person's "wrong" belief/behavior or something along those lines. I think it has more to do with sensitivity though. When I was in middle school, I had just moved in with my mom and she had just gotten married so I had also gained three more brothers, my brothers and even my mom would make fun of me for being so sensitive. Not just that they could easily hurt my feelings or upset me, but I felt for others as well. One time we were driving on the freeway and I saw a car pulled over the side of the road with a police car and an ambulance. There was a person laying on the ground and they was covered from head to toe with a white sheet. The person was dead. I just remember crying and feeling terrible for that person and their family but my whole family was making fun of me and demeaning the situation. Of course this just made me feel worse.
Often I can feel what the people around me are feeling. I don't know how I do it but I just can. Anybody, strangers that I've never even spoken with before. It's like i can read their emotions on their bodies and emotions say a lot about what somebody is thinking so sometimes I know what they are thinking just based on what I can see that they are feeling. It's hard to explain and it sounds silly but it's something I learned to do when I was a child, as a survival technique I guess.
Thursday, December 9, 2010
That is a lot to leave up to chance.
I wonder if I believe in "true love"? I mostly think I do but really I think that's more wishful thinking than truly believing, I am a person who has faith in nothing, I never have and I can't imagine i ever will. It would be nice to be the kind of person who could just leave things up to fate but I don't know how to do that. I am a control freak. I like to know everything that is going on that involves me or my child. Believing that someday i will find a "soul mate" or my "one true love" means having faith. I feel like I need to fix it just right so that I meet him and then when I do meet him I have to do and say all the right things so that we recognize that we are meant to be together forever. And then we both have to stay 100% focused and committed to the relationship and to each other so that we stay in love. That is a lot to leave up to chance. Sure, maybe today I can say with certainty that I love you and I want to spend my whole life with you but that's today. And that's me. I have more faith in me than anybody else. So when somebody else says to me that they want to spend their whole life with me I am more likely going to believe that today they want to spend their whole life with me but tomorrow that may not be true.
Now that I'm really thinking this out, I'm starting to think that it's part of the gamble and everybody else already knows that. (Hmmm...I wonder why I never got that memo.) I feel like if I ever think I am so in love and happy that I want to marry that person I might never be fully committed to him or our relationship if I don't stop with the "hoping for the best but expecting the worst" attitude that hasn't gotten me very far in life. In some ways it has prepared me for difficult times but I think that my pessimistic attitude has taken some of the beauty of life away from me. What if always preparing for the worst outcome has trained me to become accustomed to the bad and therefore hope for it since that is what is comfortable or even sabotage the good because I am afraid. I mean, I know I sabotage my relationships, all of them too, not just my dating relationships. Who's to say I'm sot sub-consciously sabotaging my life?
Now that I'm really thinking this out, I'm starting to think that it's part of the gamble and everybody else already knows that. (Hmmm...I wonder why I never got that memo.) I feel like if I ever think I am so in love and happy that I want to marry that person I might never be fully committed to him or our relationship if I don't stop with the "hoping for the best but expecting the worst" attitude that hasn't gotten me very far in life. In some ways it has prepared me for difficult times but I think that my pessimistic attitude has taken some of the beauty of life away from me. What if always preparing for the worst outcome has trained me to become accustomed to the bad and therefore hope for it since that is what is comfortable or even sabotage the good because I am afraid. I mean, I know I sabotage my relationships, all of them too, not just my dating relationships. Who's to say I'm sot sub-consciously sabotaging my life?
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
I guess I am more shallow than I thought.
I was talking to my mom today about some things that I need, like clothes and undies. My mom suggested that maybe she would get me a a Walmart gift card for Christmas. I immediately thought, "I CAN'T WEAR JEANS FROM WALMART". With an ungrateful attitude...hmmm A few years ago I might have but then I discovered jeans that actually fit my body, and are comfortable. And stylish to boot. So yeah, I'm maybe a little bit, sort of shallow. Kind of. Oh well. It's really a moot point anyways because at this time I have not one pair of jeans without holes in the knees. Not one. So I'll take whatever I can get. And not complain. But I'll secretly be a tiny bit disappointed that all of my nice jeans are dead.
In fact, just writing this out is making me sad. I miss having a job. I really miss having money to buy cool things like food or gas or even maybe a Christmas present for my son. I am finding this transition to be entirely uncomfortable and frustrating. I really hate having to ask my parents for money. Asking them means I have to explain what it's for. I just miss making my own decisions and being my own person. And OMG I just want a couple of hours away from this apartment and away from my son, with adults. Maybe even drinking copious amounts of alcohol and temporarily pretending that my life is normal and I'm okay.
The truth is, if I weren't here I would only have a little bit of money and only because I would qualify for public assistance. And I still wouldn't be able to afford a babysitter more than once maybe twice a month. And the reason all of my jeans are dead is because I haven't gone shopping for new clothes in like 3 years, so I couldn't afford it then either. I think the reason I feel so trapped is because I can't afford to go anywhere, so I'm depressed, so I don't go anywhere at all. So I say I miss having a life but really I didn't have too much of one before anyways. What I really miss is the option.
In fact, just writing this out is making me sad. I miss having a job. I really miss having money to buy cool things like food or gas or even maybe a Christmas present for my son. I am finding this transition to be entirely uncomfortable and frustrating. I really hate having to ask my parents for money. Asking them means I have to explain what it's for. I just miss making my own decisions and being my own person. And OMG I just want a couple of hours away from this apartment and away from my son, with adults. Maybe even drinking copious amounts of alcohol and temporarily pretending that my life is normal and I'm okay.
The truth is, if I weren't here I would only have a little bit of money and only because I would qualify for public assistance. And I still wouldn't be able to afford a babysitter more than once maybe twice a month. And the reason all of my jeans are dead is because I haven't gone shopping for new clothes in like 3 years, so I couldn't afford it then either. I think the reason I feel so trapped is because I can't afford to go anywhere, so I'm depressed, so I don't go anywhere at all. So I say I miss having a life but really I didn't have too much of one before anyways. What I really miss is the option.
Sunday, December 5, 2010
Waiting...
I have been waiting all day to have the time to write in this blog. I have only been doing this for a couple of days, yet I am really enjoying the sense of hope that writing is inspiring in me.
Today's Reverb10
December 5 – Let Go. What (or whom) did you let go of this year? Why? (Author: Alice Bradley)
For me it isn't a matter of who, I haven't let go of anybody especially memorable or important. (I say that even though a "serious" boyfriend and I broke up.) For me it is more a matter of what I am in the process of letting go of.
Today I am really trying to let go of all the negative emotions and thoughts that plague me. I know this will be quite the challenge, I have had a lifetime of training to contribute to who I am. Now I am challenging myself to change all of it. I want to become a better person. I want to be the kind of person who is what I expect others to be. Especially my son. I expect so much from him, I should be able to live up to those same expectations. It's like telling my son that he has to eat his veggies but then not eating them myself. (By the way, I do stuff like that all the time!) I'm a hypocrite. To be fair, most parents do things like that, and most people would agree that those parents have the best of intentions for their children. I just happen to think that I could, and should, do better. For my son but mostly just for myself. If I start practicing being a "better person" I will be happier, like myself better. Then, being my idea of a "better person" will come more naturally. Then I will be happier...And so on, in a circle.
It's probably a bit more complicated to put into practice, but you get the point, right? It's important to me. It's the best plan I've got...
All of these emotional and mental challenges and changes I'm putting into practice come at a time when I also have some major health issues going on. I figure, clean slate. Might as well get it all done and get myself totally healthy. I plan on starting 2012 a healthy, changed individual. I know I won't be perfect. And I know this is going to take patience and courage and strength. But I am determined. Also, for the first time in my life, I am really starting to believe in myself. I just have to keep telling myself that....
Today's Reverb10
December 5 – Let Go. What (or whom) did you let go of this year? Why? (Author: Alice Bradley)
For me it isn't a matter of who, I haven't let go of anybody especially memorable or important. (I say that even though a "serious" boyfriend and I broke up.) For me it is more a matter of what I am in the process of letting go of.
Today I am really trying to let go of all the negative emotions and thoughts that plague me. I know this will be quite the challenge, I have had a lifetime of training to contribute to who I am. Now I am challenging myself to change all of it. I want to become a better person. I want to be the kind of person who is what I expect others to be. Especially my son. I expect so much from him, I should be able to live up to those same expectations. It's like telling my son that he has to eat his veggies but then not eating them myself. (By the way, I do stuff like that all the time!) I'm a hypocrite. To be fair, most parents do things like that, and most people would agree that those parents have the best of intentions for their children. I just happen to think that I could, and should, do better. For my son but mostly just for myself. If I start practicing being a "better person" I will be happier, like myself better. Then, being my idea of a "better person" will come more naturally. Then I will be happier...And so on, in a circle.
It's probably a bit more complicated to put into practice, but you get the point, right? It's important to me. It's the best plan I've got...
All of these emotional and mental challenges and changes I'm putting into practice come at a time when I also have some major health issues going on. I figure, clean slate. Might as well get it all done and get myself totally healthy. I plan on starting 2012 a healthy, changed individual. I know I won't be perfect. And I know this is going to take patience and courage and strength. But I am determined. Also, for the first time in my life, I am really starting to believe in myself. I just have to keep telling myself that....
Loving myself...
My last post brought up some...thoughts...about the idea of loving oneself. Personally, I know I lack the confidence and independence that a person should probably have. I mean, I grew up in an unusual household. For example, it was against the rules to watch TV or listen to music. I had no friends outside of school and because of my isolation from the world I had a hard time making friends at school. I was abused at home. I got very little sleep. I never did my homework. This set the foundation for me to be socially awkward, shy, submissive. Teachers thought I was lazy. The other kids thought I was really strange. Because of my childhood, then because of all the bullying I went through during middle school, I hated myself.
I think about it kind of like this; metaphorically speaking, I was "put into a cage" in childhood. Then, because I never received any therapy or support, (after moving into a safer and healthier household) I never left my "cage". Now, as an adult, the "cage door" is open, I just choose, in a way, to stay. The "cage" is what is familiar, therefore I fear more to leave than to learn a healthier lifestyle. Change is difficult. Breaking bad habits is difficult. Confronting trauma and abuse is difficult.
What I mean by all of this is that I never learned to love myself properly. Now I feel like it's wrong to care for myself. Not logically. Logically I know it's important and healthy and I know that I need to change for myself and for my son. Now I choose abusive relationships. I don't know how or why but for some reason I do. I never stay in the relationship but in each case I recognized the signs that the relationship would probably turn abusive right at the beginning, yet I stayed long enough to prove myself right. Why would somebody do that? It isn't healthy. I am in a sense, abusing myself by keeping myself unhappy and unhealthy.
I would literally dig to other side of the world with a spoon for my son. Why wouldn't I do it for myself?
I think about it kind of like this; metaphorically speaking, I was "put into a cage" in childhood. Then, because I never received any therapy or support, (after moving into a safer and healthier household) I never left my "cage". Now, as an adult, the "cage door" is open, I just choose, in a way, to stay. The "cage" is what is familiar, therefore I fear more to leave than to learn a healthier lifestyle. Change is difficult. Breaking bad habits is difficult. Confronting trauma and abuse is difficult.
What I mean by all of this is that I never learned to love myself properly. Now I feel like it's wrong to care for myself. Not logically. Logically I know it's important and healthy and I know that I need to change for myself and for my son. Now I choose abusive relationships. I don't know how or why but for some reason I do. I never stay in the relationship but in each case I recognized the signs that the relationship would probably turn abusive right at the beginning, yet I stayed long enough to prove myself right. Why would somebody do that? It isn't healthy. I am in a sense, abusing myself by keeping myself unhappy and unhealthy.
I would literally dig to other side of the world with a spoon for my son. Why wouldn't I do it for myself?
Reverb10 post
How did you cultivate a sense of wonder in your life this year? -Jeffrey Davis
The turmoil that has been my life this past year has taken up a great deal of my energy and has put me in a kind of mental 'time out'. I have spent so much time and emotion and energy dealing with everything that has happened that I really haven't stopped and just done or even felt anything just for myself. I mean, I had a boyfriend that I couldn't stand, a life I couldn't stand because at the time I just couldn't motivate or prepare myself for the changes necessary. Staying there, in that relationship, in that town, was simpler than leaving. Or at least I thought it would be at the time. As it turns out, leaving freed me a little from that depression. Gave me a sense of freedom and reminded me what it felt like to love myself.
The turmoil that has been my life this past year has taken up a great deal of my energy and has put me in a kind of mental 'time out'. I have spent so much time and emotion and energy dealing with everything that has happened that I really haven't stopped and just done or even felt anything just for myself. I mean, I had a boyfriend that I couldn't stand, a life I couldn't stand because at the time I just couldn't motivate or prepare myself for the changes necessary. Staying there, in that relationship, in that town, was simpler than leaving. Or at least I thought it would be at the time. As it turns out, leaving freed me a little from that depression. Gave me a sense of freedom and reminded me what it felt like to love myself.
Friday, December 3, 2010
A Challenge
I stumbled upon a website, http://www.reverb10.com/ and thought it would be fun to challenge myself to participate in this project every day. They will post a topic or question everyday for the month of December that is meant to summarize the year 2010.
Todays question;
Pick one moment during which you felt most alive this year. Describe it in vivid detail (texture, smells, voices, noises, colors). -Ali Edwards
I recently drove from Arizona to Vermont. I didn't go straight there though. I went to San Diego, to Reno, to Salt Lake City, to Denver, up through Nebraska, Iowa, Illinois, Indiana, Pennsylvania, New York, and finally Vermont.
Why take the long way you ask? This trip started when I broke up with my boyfriend and I just wanted to go as far away as possible. I had no idea where I was going to end up. I went to San Diego first to visit with my parents. From there I decided to go east. I believe I was in Indiana when I made the decision to end up in Vermont. Driving through New York, my son and I stopped at Niagara Falls. It was standing under the waterfall with my son when I realized how happy I was to be there. I felt so confident about going to Vermont, so free because I made to decision and I was executing it. I felt good for following through and for being completely independent despite my pain and fatigue.
Now, if you knew me you would know already how much I really don't like being cold or wet. I can't stand it. It's so uncomfortable and when I get cold its hard for me to move. That day at Niagara falls I was cold, and wet. Not to mention in a lot of pain from so much driving. I was tired and cranky. My son was tired and cranky. But as soon as he saw the Falls, he was just happy. So happy and free. He was running and screaming with excitement. He could not believe what he was seeing. And like any parent, seeing my son so elated was infectious, which opened me up to really discover all the other wonderful things I was feeling.
Todays question;
Pick one moment during which you felt most alive this year. Describe it in vivid detail (texture, smells, voices, noises, colors). -Ali Edwards
I recently drove from Arizona to Vermont. I didn't go straight there though. I went to San Diego, to Reno, to Salt Lake City, to Denver, up through Nebraska, Iowa, Illinois, Indiana, Pennsylvania, New York, and finally Vermont.
Why take the long way you ask? This trip started when I broke up with my boyfriend and I just wanted to go as far away as possible. I had no idea where I was going to end up. I went to San Diego first to visit with my parents. From there I decided to go east. I believe I was in Indiana when I made the decision to end up in Vermont. Driving through New York, my son and I stopped at Niagara Falls. It was standing under the waterfall with my son when I realized how happy I was to be there. I felt so confident about going to Vermont, so free because I made to decision and I was executing it. I felt good for following through and for being completely independent despite my pain and fatigue.
Now, if you knew me you would know already how much I really don't like being cold or wet. I can't stand it. It's so uncomfortable and when I get cold its hard for me to move. That day at Niagara falls I was cold, and wet. Not to mention in a lot of pain from so much driving. I was tired and cranky. My son was tired and cranky. But as soon as he saw the Falls, he was just happy. So happy and free. He was running and screaming with excitement. He could not believe what he was seeing. And like any parent, seeing my son so elated was infectious, which opened me up to really discover all the other wonderful things I was feeling.
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