The First

I have never in my life written a blog. I've never even written in a diary or a journal of some sort. This is a new adventure for me in a time when my life is being quite adventurous. I know, and I happen to love, that life is full of turns and surprises and challenges. However, at this time I am dealing with quite the load. I've just moved in with my parents and 19 year old brother. My son loves this because he is an only child so finally he has some people besides his boring mom to play with. My mom loves this because she likes having Sam around. My dad just thinks I need to get a job. I think no matter what if you were to ask my dad, a job would be the solution.

Unfortunately I have not been able to work. Jobs usually prefer you to be able to talk, or walk or remember the important job related details. Lately I have been in so much pain that moving has not always been possible. I have also temporarily lost the ability to walk on more than one occasion. Sometimes I shake so badly that I can't use my arms very well. But I think the worst part is the weakness. I have gotten weaker and weaker over the last months and it scares me and frustrates me! I want to be more active and play more with my son. I used to be that way. But lately just standing for more than a few minutes tires me out.

This is partly my fault. A couple of years ago I was experiencing some medical problems similar but not as serious as recently. I went to the doctor and after several test I was told that I most likely have multiple sclerosis. I was young and this diagnosis scared me so rather than do as he recommended and see a neurologist, get a definitive diagnosis and maybe start some kind of treatment, I didn't do anything. I never followed up, my doctor never called me back, I just pretended all was well. I felt like it was my fault and I felt like my family wouldn't be very supportive so I didn't tell anybody.

If there was one mistake I could have a 'do-over' for, it would be not following up. This mistake has cost me my independence, both because of these health problems and because I now live in a new city with my parents in a too small apartment. I have no friends here, and a family that is supportive only when it's not too inconvenient.

I don't want to sound ungrateful. Of course I am thankful that my parents have invited us to live here and are helping to take care of Sam when I am not as capable. However, I have definitely wondered whether this was a good idea. Maybe if I had just tried harder I could have managed? Probably not though. My son was having to do more than his share and I was frustrated that I had to rely on him to help more when he should have been able to rely on me to take him to the park and play with him. He is happier and safer here. I just hate to admit that I need this.