I was talking to my mom today about some things that I need, like clothes and undies. My mom suggested that maybe she would get me a a Walmart gift card for Christmas. I immediately thought, "I CAN'T WEAR JEANS FROM WALMART". With an ungrateful attitude...hmmm A few years ago I might have but then I discovered jeans that actually fit my body, and are comfortable. And stylish to boot. So yeah, I'm maybe a little bit, sort of shallow. Kind of. Oh well. It's really a moot point anyways because at this time I have not one pair of jeans without holes in the knees. Not one. So I'll take whatever I can get. And not complain. But I'll secretly be a tiny bit disappointed that all of my nice jeans are dead.
In fact, just writing this out is making me sad. I miss having a job. I really miss having money to buy cool things like food or gas or even maybe a Christmas present for my son. I am finding this transition to be entirely uncomfortable and frustrating. I really hate having to ask my parents for money. Asking them means I have to explain what it's for. I just miss making my own decisions and being my own person. And OMG I just want a couple of hours away from this apartment and away from my son, with adults. Maybe even drinking copious amounts of alcohol and temporarily pretending that my life is normal and I'm okay.
The truth is, if I weren't here I would only have a little bit of money and only because I would qualify for public assistance. And I still wouldn't be able to afford a babysitter more than once maybe twice a month. And the reason all of my jeans are dead is because I haven't gone shopping for new clothes in like 3 years, so I couldn't afford it then either. I think the reason I feel so trapped is because I can't afford to go anywhere, so I'm depressed, so I don't go anywhere at all. So I say I miss having a life but really I didn't have too much of one before anyways. What I really miss is the option.
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