My last post brought up some...thoughts...about the idea of loving oneself. Personally, I know I lack the confidence and independence that a person should probably have. I mean, I grew up in an unusual household. For example, it was against the rules to watch TV or listen to music. I had no friends outside of school and because of my isolation from the world I had a hard time making friends at school. I was abused at home. I got very little sleep. I never did my homework. This set the foundation for me to be socially awkward, shy, submissive. Teachers thought I was lazy. The other kids thought I was really strange. Because of my childhood, then because of all the bullying I went through during middle school, I hated myself.
I think about it kind of like this; metaphorically speaking, I was "put into a cage" in childhood. Then, because I never received any therapy or support, (after moving into a safer and healthier household) I never left my "cage". Now, as an adult, the "cage door" is open, I just choose, in a way, to stay. The "cage" is what is familiar, therefore I fear more to leave than to learn a healthier lifestyle. Change is difficult. Breaking bad habits is difficult. Confronting trauma and abuse is difficult.
What I mean by all of this is that I never learned to love myself properly. Now I feel like it's wrong to care for myself. Not logically. Logically I know it's important and healthy and I know that I need to change for myself and for my son. Now I choose abusive relationships. I don't know how or why but for some reason I do. I never stay in the relationship but in each case I recognized the signs that the relationship would probably turn abusive right at the beginning, yet I stayed long enough to prove myself right. Why would somebody do that? It isn't healthy. I am in a sense, abusing myself by keeping myself unhappy and unhealthy.
I would literally dig to other side of the world with a spoon for my son. Why wouldn't I do it for myself?
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