Waiting...

I have been waiting all day to have the time to write in this blog. I have only been doing this for a couple of days, yet I am really enjoying the sense of hope that writing is inspiring in me.

Today's Reverb10
December 5 – Let Go. What (or whom) did you let go of this year? Why? (Author: Alice Bradley)


For me it isn't a matter of who, I haven't let go of anybody especially memorable or important. (I say that even though a "serious" boyfriend and I broke up.) For me it is more a matter of what I am in the process of letting go of. 


Today I am really trying to let go of all the negative emotions and thoughts that plague me. I know this will be quite the challenge, I have had a lifetime of training to contribute to who I am. Now I am challenging myself to change all of it. I want to become a better person. I want to be the kind of person who is what I expect others to be. Especially my son. I expect so much from him, I should be able to live up to those same expectations. It's like telling my son that he has to eat his veggies but then not eating them myself. (By the way, I do stuff like that all the time!) I'm a hypocrite. To be fair, most parents do things like that, and most people would agree that those parents have the best of intentions for their children. I just happen to think that I could, and should, do better. For my son but mostly just for myself. If I start practicing being a "better person" I will be happier, like myself better. Then, being my idea of a "better person" will come more naturally. Then I will be happier...And so on, in a circle. 


It's probably a bit more complicated to put into practice, but you get the point, right? It's important to me. It's the best plan I've got... 


All of these emotional and mental challenges and changes I'm putting into practice come at a time when I also have some major health issues going on. I figure, clean slate. Might as well get it all done and get myself totally healthy. I plan on starting 2012 a healthy, changed individual. I know I won't be perfect. And I know this is going to take patience and courage and strength. But I am determined. Also, for the first time in my life, I am really starting to believe in myself. I just have to keep telling myself that....