That is a lot to leave up to chance.

I wonder if I believe in "true love"? I mostly think I do but really I think that's more wishful thinking than truly believing, I am a person who has faith in nothing, I never have and I can't imagine i ever will. It would be nice to be the kind of person who could just leave things up to fate but I don't know how to do that. I am a control freak. I like to know everything that is going on that involves me or my child. Believing that someday i will find a "soul mate" or my "one true love" means having faith. I feel like I need to fix it just right so that I meet him and then when I do meet him I have to do and say all the right things so that we recognize that we are meant to be together forever. And then we both have to stay 100% focused and committed to the relationship and to each other so that we stay in love. That is a lot to leave up to chance. Sure, maybe today I can say with certainty that I love you and I want to spend my whole life with you but that's today. And that's me. I have more faith in me than anybody else. So when somebody else says to me that they want to spend their whole life with me I am more likely going to believe that today they want to spend their whole life with me but tomorrow that may not be true.

Now that I'm really thinking this out, I'm starting to think that it's part of the gamble and everybody else already knows that. (Hmmm...I wonder why I never got that memo.) I feel like if I ever think I am so in love and happy that I want to marry that person I might never be fully committed to him or our relationship if I don't stop with the "hoping for the best but expecting the worst" attitude that hasn't gotten me very far in life. In some ways it has prepared me for difficult times but I think that my pessimistic attitude has taken some of the beauty of life away from me. What if always preparing for the worst outcome has trained me to become accustomed to the bad and therefore hope for it since that is what is comfortable or even sabotage the good because I am afraid. I mean, I know I sabotage my relationships, all of them too, not just my dating relationships. Who's to say I'm sot sub-consciously sabotaging my life?